I know this is probably the last thing you want to think about.
Bear with me. This is going somewhere good, I promise. Here’s the question: What is one thing you don’t like about yourself? Just pick one.
Maybe, like me, you’re thinking, “How will I choose?” It’s not important to choose the “right” thing. Any thing will do.
Here’s my example: I wish I were less judgmental. I’ve been paying attention lately, and when I tune into that channel, the channel in my head that broadcasts my judgments to me, I notice that it’s transmitting non-stop. Nothing is quite right. The weather is too cold. The meal didn’t come out the way I wanted it. The store is too crowded. The speaker is off-topic. And on and on. Non-stop.
This is not how I like to see myself. In fact, I hide most of these judgments. This is not how I want you to see me. I wish I weren’t like this.
Just as soon as I bring this awareness to mind – I’m judgmental. I wish I weren’t. – I start trying to fix it. I want to make myself stop thinking what I think, feeling how I feel. In effect, I’m saying to myself: Stop being you.
Of course, I can’t. And neither can you.
What is the thing you thought of, the thing you wish could be different about you? Notice how you feel when you think of this thing. What words would you use? Uncomfortable? Angry? Sad? Afraid? Frustrated? Amused? Resistant? How do you feel thinking about this thing about you?
I’ve got some bad news, and I’ve got some good news. The bad news you already know, so don’t worry. The bad news is that you can’t make this part of you magically go away any more than I will wake up tomorrow and find that KJUDGE radio in my head has suddenly gone off the air. Here’s the good news: Your job isn’t to change this thing about you. Your job is simply to notice it. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.
Okay, let’s not kid ourselves. The last think I want to do is to pay attention to how judgmental I can be. Maybe the last thing you want to do is to pay attention to this thing about you. Maybe you think you can’t, because it’s too painful. But you already have, remember? Just a minute ago, you thought about your thing. You felt that feeling. If you’re reading this sentence, you survived.
You already have more information. You know how it felt the last time you brought this thing about yourself to your awareness – frustrating or scary or funny or sad. You might not like that feeling, but sitting with the feeling is the key to transformation.
The feeling I feel when I realize how judgmental I can be is painful to me. I feel disgusted with myself. I tell myself, You know better, even though I can’t help that the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts themselves aren’t what keeps me stuck in them. What keeps me stuck is my unwillingness to face the pain I feel when I look at this part of myself.
We’re not going to pretend that this is fun or easy. But we can trust that when we bring the truth about ourselves to our consciousness, we’re aligning our attention with reality – which is to say, God. God already knows how judgmental I am. When I know that too, then God and I are encountering the reality of me in union. And God can change what I cannot.
Notice something about yourself that you don’t like. God also knows this about you.
Notice how you feel when you think about this thing.
Sit with the feeling for as long as you can knowing that God is present with you in the feeling.
Notice whether anything inside of you – a feeling, a sensation – shifts as you pay attention.
Thank God and acknowledge your own courage in completing this practice.